Category Archives: narcissims

narcissistic SMIRK explained

People often ask about the narcissist’s smirk, what it means and why they do it. In this video, I’ll address those topics plus you’ll get some tips for deception detection.
READ: Robert Solomon identified these

The three emotions including contempt and I
won’t explain these to you because I thought this was fascinating especially looking at this in terms of the victim the survivor in recovery so he says that

Resentment is anger directed towards a
higher status individual so this is you

07:42
in stage one of the recovery when you’re

07:45
still a victim when you’re still

07:47
disempowered whether you’re still with

07:49
the abuser or you left the abuser but

07:51
you still have all that resentment

07:53
because you’re still putting yourself

07:55
below them like you’re still seeing them

07:57
as someone superior who had power over

07:59
you because you’re still feeling like a

08:00
victim

08:01
that’s resentment most indicative of

08:03
stage one now this might come up down

08:06
the road as well then anger he said is

08:09
directed towards someone of an equal

08:11
status as you so what you’ll notice is

08:14
like towards the end of stage one as

08:16
you’re empowering yourself as you get

08:17
into stage two the anger comes up and

08:20
that’s actually a good thing and I’m

08:22
going to put up

08:22
one of these corners the link to the

08:24
video that I did on the two different

08:26
kinds of anger how you’re going through

08:28
that and gives you some ideas on anger

08:30
processing as well to check that out so

08:33
that’s that’s more like as you’re being

08:35
you’re becoming empowered now you feel

08:37
like you’re more equal you don’t feel

08:38
like the abusers up here and you’re down

08:40
here anymore that’s when you notice that

08:42
anger more and then contempt Solomon

08:45
says is anger directed toward someone of

08:48
a lower status than you so this explains

08:52
why abusers have to have this contempt

08:56
and disdain for their victims they not

08:58
only have contempt for their victims

09:00
they have contempt for victims in

09:02
general so why because they have that

09:05
superiority complex right that’s part of

09:08
the personality disorder they see

09:10
themselves above everyone else they see

09:12
everyone below them so they feel

09:15
entitled to take advantage and prey upon

09:18
the weakness of those people and the

09:22
inferiority of those people they feel

09:24
that it is of their entitlement because

09:26
they’re superior I thought that was

09:27
fascinating

09:29
psychologists especially couples people

09:32
who do couples therapy psychologists

09:34
will talk about seeing contempt on the

09:37
face of the couple and they say that is

09:40
the kiss of death for that relationship

09:42
or marriage they say they can predict

09:45
without a doubt that couples going to

09:47
get divorced or break up when they see

09:48
contempt on the face of either or both

09:51
people in that couple so when does the

09:54
narcissist smirk when or the psychopath

09:56
sociopath the abuser in general when

09:58
will you see that smirk on their face

10:00
I’m going to give you eight different

10:02
examples here surely there’s more feel

10:04
free to add them in the comments as

10:05
you’re starting to think back or having

10:07
flashbacks sometimes when you saw that

10:09
on their face so the very first one is

10:12
when they think they’re getting away

10:13
with it that’s when they are deceiving

10:15
you and they’re getting satisfaction

10:16
from that con from that deception number

10:20
two is when they extract narcissistic

10:22
supply of any form it could be positive

10:24
it could be negative you’ll see that

10:26
across their face it’s also part of

10:29
getting away with it

10:30
but

10:30
specifically about getting that

10:32
narcissistic supply number three is when

10:35
they see your pain that could be pain

10:38
that they inflicted on you or it could

10:40
just be your pain in the world like

10:42
maybe you come home and you had a really

10:43
bad day or something really awful happen

10:46
to you and you notice that as you’re

10:48
telling them this story about what

10:50
happened they have a smirk on

10:52
their face or maybe you tell them a

10:54
story about something that happened to

10:55
you in the past like a story of abuse a

10:58
story of some difficult relationship you

11:00
had and you notice them doing that

11:02
that’s a really bad sign that’s a sign

11:06
of schadenfreude I don’t pronounce that

11:08
right probably I don’t speak German

11:09
that is an unbelievable German word that

11:12
means like getting pleasure out of

11:14
someone’s suffering and that is exactly

11:16
it’s it’s sadism and that’s exactly what

11:19
they do the more sadistic ones will do

11:21
that more than others but you’ll notice

11:22
across the board they do that even the

11:25
ones who aren’t like the most evil kinds

11:28
of abusers it’s like they just get some

11:30
kind of delight and knowing that you are

11:32
or were in pain number four is when you

11:36
don’t give them something that they want

11:38
and you are upset about it so if you

11:41
just set the boundary and you were

11:43
neutral and didn’t give them what they

11:44
want that’s probably not gonna give them

11:45
a lot of delight but if they didn’t get

11:48
what they wanted from you was they were

11:49
trying and trying to bulldoze your

11:50
boundaries and see how far they could

11:52
push you if you got upset which again is

11:55
about the narcissistic supply that’s

11:57
gonna create a smirk on their face

11:59
number five is when they reject your

12:02
opinions thoughts feelings etc because

12:06
you don’t agree with them you might

12:07
notice that smirk come across their face

12:09
and again this could be really subtle

12:12
and it could be a flash it could be like

12:14
125th of a second which is really really

12:16
fast and hard to notice except I think

12:19
of all the different emotions this is

12:21
one of the easiest ones to notice

12:23
because it’s only on one side of the

12:25
face you don’t know what side of the

12:26
face is going to be on but it’s only on

12:28
that one side number six is when they

12:31
project their shame onto the target so

12:34
you might notice when they were blame

12:36
shifting or rationalizing

12:38
or raging or just throwing something at

12:40
you like that you might notice that

12:42
flash of a smirk come across their face

12:44
they obviously get pleasure out of that

12:47
number seven is pretty much when they’re

12:49
doing any or all of the covert

12:51
aggressive tactics which by the way are

12:53
in George Symonds book in sheep’s

12:56
clothing he defines them all it’s a

12:58
fantastic book but pretty much when

13:00
they’re doing any of those tactics they

13:02
have the opportunity to show that smirk

13:04
because they respect nothing they

13:06
respect no one nothing is sacred to them

13:09
so as they’re doing those things which

13:11
as dr. Simon also says comes from the

13:14
conscious part of the brain it’s not an

13:16
unconscious or subconscious thing that

13:18
they’re doing they’re actually aware of

13:20
what they’re doing as they’re

13:21
manipulating you so you might see that

13:23
flash go across their face like maybe

13:25
you’re not sure what’s going on but you

13:26
notice that flash maybe you’re doubting

13:29
are they gas lighting you or what are

13:31
they doing but if you see that go across

13:34
their face that’s probably a red flag

13:36
number eight is when you defer to them

13:39
so when they get that satisfaction of

13:41
they gas let you they lied to you they

13:44
did whatever and you believed them and

13:47
their story in their reality instead of

13:49
your own you’ll definitely see that

13:50
smirk come across their face so

13:53
deception detection this is actually

13:56
harder with Psychopaths and sociopaths

13:58
more so than anybody else I’m gonna

14:01
explain why but being able to read a

14:03
person’s face and see these kinds of

14:05
things it’s helpful to notice when

14:06
someone’s deceiving you it’s just a lot

14:08
harder when they’re a psychopath or

14:11
sociopath as per usual the normal rules

14:14
of human engagement often don’t apply to

14:17
them so the first problem is that the

14:19
psychopath especially is going to have

14:22
less of that emotional leakage as they

14:24
call it that expression on their face

14:26
because the psychopath often has a flat

14:29
effect meaning emotionless there’s a

14:32
fantastic new Netflix series out called

14:35
you and the main character is a

14:37
psychopath and so you’ll see like most

14:40
of the time there’s nothing on his face

14:42
like very little emotional expression

14:45
but what you’ll notice the psychopath is

14:47
that when the mask is

14:49
they’re animated and they have all this

14:52
emotion but when the mask is off they

14:54
are just flat effects emotionless so

14:58
when they’re trying to be charming and

15:00
they’re trying to read and reflect

15:03
social cues that normal people have

15:05
you’ll see their face all lit up but

15:07
you’ll also notice a staggering show of

15:11
a lack of facial expressions and this is

15:13
also a big red flag I think when you’re

15:16
meeting people I mean by the time we’re

15:17
in our 30s or 40s and Beyond like people

15:20
generally have like worried lines up

15:22
here and maybe some anger lines like

15:24
worried even down the center you’ll see

15:27
expressions on people’s faces and what

15:30
you’ll notice with the cluster bees and

15:33
with the Psychopaths is that there’s

15:35
often nothing going on over here on

15:38
their face that could be a real big red

15:40
flag like what I notice most victims and

15:44
survivors is we have some kind of anger

15:46
line maybe it’s on one side or both

15:48
sides or both one side or both sides one

15:50
side or either side or both sides oh my

15:52
goodness I can’t talk today so you’re

15:55
gonna notice lines like that on people’s

15:57
faces but on the Psychopaths you’re

15:59
gonna notice like almost a totally flat

16:01
forehead and this is unfocused of course

16:06
second problem with deception detection

16:08
with Psychopaths and sociopaths and

16:11
whatnot is that a lot of them know how

16:13
to fake it the worst ones are the ones

16:15
who have training in NLP

16:18
neuro-linguistic programming or these

16:20
facial expressions or body language and

16:23
things like that because they know what

16:26
people are looking for so they’ll try to

16:27
fake it I had a sociopath business

16:30
partner in Peru several years ago and he

16:33
studied NLP he had to have known about

16:36
the eyes smile so you know that a

16:37
genuine smile when someone smiling

16:39
genuinely your eyes smile – right so you

16:43
get those little wrinkles they call them

16:45
crows at crow’s feet or something but

16:47
you get those little wrinkles under the

16:48
eyes it means some

16:50
happy when you see wrinkles there that’s

16:51
not a bad thing that’s a good thing it

16:53
means they’re happy they smile a lot but

16:55
what he knew is that he had to try to

16:57
make his face look together so but he

17:00
was bad at it unfortunately for him so

17:02
when someone would say something and he

17:04
was you know trying to smile he would go

17:06
it was like an over-exaggeration

17:10
to try to smile his eyes so that it

17:12
would match like the smile on his face

17:13
but some of them are much better than

17:15
that like he just he happened to not be

17:17
very good at that because he couldn’t

17:19
manage his emotions very well and he

17:22
couldn’t fake it very well but some of

17:23
them can so be aware of that they can

17:25
fake concern you might notice them like

17:28
putting on this really fake concern you

17:30
know face I’m not even sure if leave

17:32
though scrunch their face up or

17:33
something as you’re telling them a story

17:36
but maybe they’re just extracting

17:38
information that they’re gonna use

17:40
against you for gossip for smear

17:41
campaigns etc maybe they’re just getting

17:44
off on knowing that you’re suffering and

17:47
then also you’ll notice that they can do

17:50
like a fake happiness when you’re doing

17:52
good like when you tell them that you’re

17:54
doing good it’s like oh so happy for you

17:58
but it’s so fake you know some of them

18:00
again are better than others some of

18:03
them you can even hear like if you’re on

18:04
the phone and you’re not on FaceTime or

18:06
anything you can’t see their face

18:07
sometimes you can even hear the fake

18:10
happiness behind them but in terms of

18:12
the the facial expressions some of them

18:14
can fake that better than others third

18:17
problem with these characters and

18:19
deception detection is that they often

18:21
believe their lies that was something

18:24
dr. Todd Grande said when I interviewed

18:26
him on the Psychopaths and sociopaths

18:28
and he said somebody had asked you know

18:29
do they actually believe all these lies

18:31
that they say he said yeah they probably

18:33
do so when they really believe it their

18:37
body is gonna be in alignment with their

18:39
emotions because they truly believe

18:41
they’re the victim and the fourth

18:43
problem with the Psychopaths and

18:45
especially but even narcissists and

18:47
sociopaths is that their charm

18:50
that character that personality that

18:52
they can put out could be really

18:54
deceiving it could be really confusing

18:56
to you could distract you from noticing

18:58
those little signs of incongruence

19:02
between their body language and what

19:04
they’re saying so now I just want to

19:05
close with three brief little tips for

19:08
you on this topic if your online dating

19:10
and you see that expression on maybe the

19:13
sideways smile they’re looking all cocky

19:16
or you know they got one of those things

19:19
going on

19:20
do not talk to that person hey maybe

19:23
they’re not a manipulator but chances

19:25
are if that’s their main photo like

19:28
they’re leading with that that’s

19:31
probably a common expression for them it

19:33
probably means that they see themselves

19:35
as superior and other people as in fear

19:38
again not every person who has this

19:40
flash across their face is evil or

19:43
manipulative or feels they’re superior

19:44
to other people that could come because

19:46
they have a genuine disdain for someone

19:48
who violated them right but when you’re

19:51
seeing them smile like that in those

19:52
profile photos that’s generally not a

19:54
good sign you can notice that on social

19:56
media too maybe you’re not even online

19:58
dating but you’re checking somebody out

20:00
you know that you’re starting to get to

20:01
know a friend or otherwise look on their

20:04
social media like how many of their

20:05
selfies or other photos are showing that

20:08
expression on their face you know if

20:10
most of their selfies are like not a

20:13
good sign

20:14
second tip is to become a lot more aware

20:18
of people’s faces when they’re talking

20:20
to you so you want to turn into how you

20:22
feel in that situation and then later

20:25
but when you’re in the moment be

20:27
especially observant of their faces

20:29
notice the emotions that they’re

20:31
conveying to you or the lack of them and

20:33
finally if you have something important

20:35
to say to someone an important

20:37
conversation you really want to know how

20:39
they feel say it face to face don’t

20:41
write it don’t text it don’t talk on the

20:44
phone without seeing their face say it

20:46
face-to-face you could really see their

20:48
face and know what their reaction and

20:50
their response is to what you’re saying

20:52
so that’s the topic I have for you today

20:54
I hope that was helpful if you got any

20:57
insights out of

20:57
please leave those in the comments if

20:59
you had any more flashbacks or ideas of

21:02
when you’ve seen that smirk on a

21:03
manipulators face add those to the
comments too because that could be really helpful for other people. I’m sending you all a big hug

If you can think of other situations in which you saw the narcissist’s smirk, leave them in the comments below!

Meredith’s book THE JOURNEY: A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse — http://bit.ly/TheJourneyMM

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